Dave Sim's blogandmail #206 (April 5th, 2007)

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Fifteen Impossible Things to Believe Before Breakfast That Make You a Good Feminist

1. A mother who works a full-time job and delegates to strangers the raising of her children eight hours a day, five days a week does just as good a job as a mother who hand-rears her children full time.

2. It makes great sense for the government to pay 10 to 15,000 dollars a year to fund a daycare space for a child so its mother - who pays perhaps 2,000 dollars in taxes - can be a contributing member of society.

3. A woman's doctor has more of a valid claim to participate in the decision to abort a fetus than does the father of that fetus.

4. So long as a woman makes a decision after consulting with her doctor, she is incapable of making an unethical choice.

5. A car with two steering wheels, two gas pedals and two brakes drives more efficiently than a car with one steering wheel, one gas pedal and one brake which is why marriage should always be an equal partnership.

6. It is absolutely necessary for women to be allowed to join or participate fully in any gathering place for men, just as it is absolutely necessary that there be women only environments from which men are excluded.

7. Because it involves taking jobs away from men and giving them to women, affirmative action makes for a fairer and more just society.

8. It is important to have lower physical standards for women firepersons and women policepersons so that, one day, half of all firepersons and policepersons will be women, thus more effectively protecting the safety of the public.

9. Affirmative action at colleges and universities needs to be maintained now that more women than men are being enrolled, in order to keep from giving men an unfair advantage academically.

10. Having ensured that there is no environment for men where women don't belong (see no.6) it is important to have zero tolerance of any expression or action which any woman might regard as sexist to ensure greater freedom for everyone.

11. Only in a society which maintains a level of 95% of alimony and child support being paid by men to women can men and women be considered as equals.

12. An airline stewardess who earned $20,000 a year at the time that she married a baseball player earning $6 million a year is entitled, in the event of a divorce, to $3 million for each year of the marriage and probably more.

13. A man's opinions on how to rear and/or raise a child are invalid because he is not the child's mother. However, his financial obligation is greater because no woman gets pregnant by herself.

14. Disagreeing with any of these statements makes you anti-woman and/or a misogynist.

15. Legislature Seats must be allocated to women and women must be allowed to bypass the democratic winnowing process in order to guarantee female representation and, thereby, make democracy fairer.

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Well, we've had a wave

Of emails come pouring in since yesterday all of them talking about Matt Dow's

Singing debut but we're going

Ahead and doing it anyway

And here he is now:

Matt Dow!

Post it now...

Just sent it to Dave and let HIM post it...

Post it now........

Just sent it to Dave and let HIM post it........

Post it now......................

Just sent it to Dave and let HIM post it......................

Ah heck, post it now:

Latter Days (AUG031920)

To the theme song for "Green Acres"

LATTER DAYS (AUGO31920) is the phonebook for me.
Bible commentary is the life for me.
Three Stooges parody in the front of the book.
Keep your "Watchmen", just give me that "Nyuck Nyuck Nyuck".

HIGH SOCIETY (STAROOO71) is where I'd rather stay.
I get allergic reading commentary all day.
I just adore the Moon Knight parody.
Dah-ling I love you but give me the Regency.

...Spore's Spores.
...The "wuffa wuffa" guys chores.
..."Cerebus Bound".
...Elrod's around.

You are my wife.
Good bye, Iestan life.
LATTER DAYS (AUGO31920) we are there.

That was great, Matt. Just swell.

You can write ANYTHING into a parody of "Green Acres".

Seriously? I heard that the Warren Commission Report doesn't "scan" properly on the "goodbye city life" part.

(ignoring me) When I first saw the "challenge", Darth Vader's voice popped into my head and said, "All too easy."

So your lobotomy incision still hasn't healed properly.

(ignoring me) And it was. As I said, writing anything into a parody of "Green Acres" is easy. So here's a parody using (AUGO31920) sung to the tune of Billy Joel's "For The Longest Time":

Augo three one nine two-oh "Latter Days"
Augo three one nine two-oh "Latter Days"


Hey have you read Cerebus "Latter Days"?
Thirty Five bucks is all you gotta pay
That's a steal to me
Guaranteed hilarity
That's what you get in "Latter Days"!!!


First Cerebus is a shepherd guy
Then he plays five bar gate until "Coffee" Dies
The Three Stooges appear
We bet you'll laugh off your rear
When you purchase a copy of "Latter Days"!!!


Augo three one nine two-oh "Latter Days"
Augo three one nine two-oh "Latter Days"


Then Cerebus is bound until he could plotz
The next was untitled (hey Dave thanks a lot!)
Then there was "Uh Oh"
(Gee Dave sure is a pro)
You can see it all in "Latter Days"!!!


Then came Todd "Far lane" McSpahn
He tried ta make
Cerebus his pawn
But Cerebus came up with a plan
A gift for the land
And that gift's name was Spore's Spores


We don't want to give the whole thing away
Otherwise why would you pay?
So give it a shot
You will thank us a lot
When you buy a copy of "Latter Days"!!!


If you're worried about the "Chasing YHWH" stuff
(The Bible commentary)
It is not that rough
You might think that Dave's theories are $#!*
Just work your way through it
And you'll be at the end


And hey what about Gerhard's backgrounds
When we first saw them we said "Oh Wow!"
So buy a copy
Tell them you were sent by me
And you really want to own "Latter Days"!!!


Augo three one nine two-oh "Latter Days"
Augo three one nine two-oh "Latter Days"
Augo three one nine two-oh "Latter Days"
Augo three one nine two-oh "Latter Days"
Augo three one nine two-oh "Latter Days"
Augo three one nine two-oh "Latter Days"

So there ya go.

Amazing. Absolutely amazing.

Ya said I could probably do it and I did.

It was as if you were channeling Christie Brinkley or something.

Took me three hours.

Three hours to write a song parody and according to Paula you still can't remember to pick up your socks and underwear off the floor.

Sorry about the "You might think that Dave's theories are $#!*" line, I couldn't think of anything to rhyme with the next line.

Oh, no, that's fine. I've never known how to pronounce $#!* and now I do. I always read it as having the dipthong on the #. Good thing this is the Internet by the way.

If you wanna tweak it, go for it.

Pardon me? Oh, the song. I was going to say, I haven't tweaked anything since 1998.

I did all the hard work.

Three hours worth from what I understand.

Jeff (Slambo Asscrap) Seiler and I are getting a table at SPACE. We were thinking of asking to be placed near you and Gerhard again. Any objections? Now's you're chance to run for the hills screaming.

None that I can think of. Here, let me just mark you as being set up right at Gerhard's table. By the way, is "Slambo Asscrap" pronounced with the dipthong on the $ or the #?

I'm sending Ger an e-mail since he'd have to put up with our shenanigans on Sunday.

Not to mention Rose. I'd sure like to be there to see the look on her face when she comes downstairs to Sunday brunch and finds "Iguana and Beer" first issues all over the breakfast nook.

And speaking of indecent proposals, I sorta asked Ger this in Salt Lake City -- thanks again for being there --

Oh, not at all. If you're going to break up a two-decade creative partnership I can't think of a better major metropolitan city to do it in.

… but never got around to asking you. So to ask (and re-ask), how would you guys like to be in the next Racecar Comics? The "Origin of Iguana and Beer (America's Favorite Comedy Duo*)" issue?

Sounds good to me. According to my script here that asterisk indicates that that "Favourite Comedy Duo" title is "disputed".

Basically, the issue is a news program investigating Iguana and Beer and trying to find out why they keep trashing Placeopolis the city where they live.

Maybe we should just send them to Salt Lake City. That might work.

You'd appear in an interview. The dialogue:

Newscaster: But this insane duo doesn't just confine their antics to our fair city, we've received reports of sightings in Canada.

Caption: Dave Sim, Illustrator

Dave: They…they just keep showing up. I'll go get the mail, and there they are. Sometimes they show up when I make an appearance somewhere.

Cut To: Iguana and Beer standing on Dave's chest as fans run away in the background.

Iguana: What the hell's the deal with Sir Gerrick?

Beer: You throwing a party this year? `Cause I heard about this one time in San Diego…

Cut back to Dave. Ger in background

Dave: I…I don't know what I did to deserve this.

Ger: Heh. Tell `em about the birthday cake.

Dave: (sits in shock)

Newscaster (voiceover): Mr. Sim provided us with this Artist Rendition of what happened

Dave's drawing of Iguana and Beer from the Cerebus Zero he sent me. With Artist Rendition written in block text under it.

So, what do you think? Jeff Tundis is gonna be in it. He's "Jeff Tundis: Filthy Hippy"

Well, it's no "Slambo Asscrap" but it does seem to capture Jeff's basic Neil Young But With Sharper Ink Outlines quality.

You guys interested? Tomorrow: Final Jeopardy

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REPLIES POSTED ON THE CEREBUS YAHOO! GROUP
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If you wish to contact Dave Sim, you can mail a letter (he does NOT receive emails) to:

Aardvark Vanaheim, Inc
P.O. Box 1674
Station C
Kitchener, Ontario, Canada N2G 4R2

Looking for a place to purchase Cerebus phonebooks? You can do so online through Win-Mill Productions -- producers of Following Cerebus. Convenient payment with PayPal:

Win-Mill Productions

Or, you can check out Mars Import:

Mars Import

Or ask your local retailer to order them for you through Diamond Comics distributors.